Last week; 2:14 AM

Last week: 2:14 AM

It’s late.

I heard noises in the house.

An intruder!

I got up to investigate, meat cleaver in hand.

Yes, I do keep a huge meat cleaver next to the bed- Not as effective as a gun, but less “problematic” should I ever need to use it.

I see a dark shape darting all over.

Damn! Somehow a bat has gotten into the house!

I must have forgotten to close the fireplace flu.

I’ve had birds in the house before. You’ve never seen so much bird poop in a small area in your life! It takes all day to clean that up!

Wait-

It’s changing-

It’s transforming-

…Into a vampire

Oh…golly…damn…

He stood there. Obviously, I was supposed to be really impressed.

Fail

“Alright, what’s up?”

I tapped the blunt end of the cleaver in my left hand.

“Don’t be afraid. I’ve watched you for many nights. I’ve decided that you’re the perfect one. “

Oh…that’s not creepy at all…

“What?”

“I’m here to transform you…into a vampire. I’ll grant you the ability to get anything you wish -anything you need… Don’t be afraid- I will grant all your wishes …

I will make your …ahem… life- amazing. So don’t be afraid.”

“Afraid? No, no no…”

I laughed a bit.

“I’m afraid of the IRS-

I’m afraid that you might have some sort of hyper virulent STDs on those fangs.

I have a few spots on my on my skin that scare me. I’m afraid of those, for sure!

I’m afraid that I might never fulfill my (fucking) potential- Because all potential means is: “You ain’t done it yet!” and I haven’t!

I’m afraid of 20 items or less lines in the grocery store that allow 40 or more items.

But afraid of you? No, I’m not afraid of you.”

He gestured to the meat cleaver.

“Is that for me?”

“Well, it’s not a fucking present…”

“That can’t harm me.”

“We don’t know that yet…do we?”

“So. I’d like you to drop it.”

“No…I think I’ll hang onto it for a few more minutes…”
He nodded.

“So… Do I have a choice in this?”

His smile grew.

I think he intended it to be ingratiating, but it was just overlaying more creepiness.

“Of course you have a choice…I’d prefer you to be my willing thrall, but I can make you my slave without your willingness if you force the issue.”

“Geez…ummm… oh crap… OK, ok, ok… let’s say that I’ll go along with this bullshit…

I go to bed at like…Nine. Isn’t that “the earlybird special” time for you?”
“You could feed at theatres, I suppose…”

I shook my head.

“Matinees? Really? That’s all you’ve got? Have you been to the theatres around here? Ewww! Besides, all I’d have to feed on would be octogenarians. If I take too much blood (and who knows how much too much would be with them?!- Do you?”)

He shook his head backing away a bit.

“-then we’d have a whole bunch of vampire-retirees running around. That would badly muck things up for you and me. You rely on secrecy, right? Well, those retirees talk the cops’ ears off. Hell, they’ll tell their life stories to anyone. That would lead to me, and that would then lead to you. Messy, messy, messy.”
“I see. You know, you’re right. That would be un workable.”
“Exactly!”

I kept on tapping the cleaver in my hand.

“Eternal life…” he stammered.

“Over rated.” I countered. “Look there are tourists galore here- 24/7/365. Pick on one of them. No one will even notice. I’m not your guy…Look, I’ve got shit to do. You’re keeping me from sleeping, so I can do that shit tomorrow. You being here now is messing me up. You’ve “screwed the pooch”, “shit the bed”…you need to leave NOW! I gotta go back to sleep!

“Alright!” He rubbed his face in distress and worry.

“You’re right; you’re right…I’m sorry to have bothered you.”
“It’s okay. You took a shot. I respect that.”
“Would you really have used that cleaver on me?”

I laughed a little.

“I’m not worried about getting a little blood on the carpet…”
“Okay. Got it. Have nice night.”
 “You too.”