“Nixon, Now!…”
(AGAIN)
by Zaslow Crane
In the months preceding a particularly contentious presidential election, throughout the primary elections, one might have thought that being a zombie ex president might be a drawback in running for re election yet again.
And, at first it was, but as time went on, people actually warmed to the idea.
Oh sure, there will be NIMBYs everywhere, but many folks reasoned so long as, if elected, he was confined to the White House, or in foreign countries on diplomatic missions…“no harm; no foul.”
Apparently, as a Pepperdine University based fraternity (Delta Gamma Gamma) prank, some pledges broke into the Yorba Linda Monument, disinterred the disgraced 37th president, said a few incantations over the corpse burned a bit of incense, and “viola!”, he not only was walking and talking, but looking for a press conference.
After that, as he’d said once before: “I’m tanned, rested and ready”. And, well, this time, we all figured, under the circumstances, that two out of three wasn’t bad.
Also, he hadn’t deteriorated anywhere nearly as much as you’d have expected; makeup did the rest.
He was great on camera, he read the teleprompters like a pro, and while mainly monosyllabic, his answers seemed to satisfy a great many Americans. He seemed to appeal to the knuckle-dragging and mouth-breathing component of Our Society and they are legion!
I’m a news writer and I was interested to observe and report on this new wrinkle in American Politics. My beat is usually regional, but I convinced my editor to allow me to do ongoing coverage if I could self-syndicate. That turned out to be a breeze. There hadn’t been anything like this since good old Honest Abe began hunting vampires in his spare time.
Down at the “Brew & Stew” I heard many a middle American reason that, “he
wasn’t as unstable as the guy with the weird hair…And he did have excellent credentials when it comes to foreign policy. Also, being a zombie, he had no use for money, so he wasn’t likely to steal great wads of money like the lady in the badly fitting and ugly pantsuits”.
Many opined: “win/win”. Of course at the “Brew & Stew”, there was liquor involved…often a great deal of it, so I figured that I’d go look for sober people who supported the New Nixon Candidacy.
I was intrigued- as were the networks.
Of course, being a zombie, the Republicans were too ossified to accept him as one of their own (again), and the Dems never gave it another thought after hearing his last name. “Nixon” is almost synonymous with Hitler … or Vlad the Impaler among Democrats.
Anyway, it wasn’t very long before a Third Party coalesced around the new/old leader and polls were taken, showing Nixon to be in a very respectable third place and climbing steadily. Nixon supporters were hopeful and their flushed faces would distract him occasionally, but his handlers (who wielded concealed cattle prods) maintained a steady and dependable control on his actions while in public.
In private, it was a different story. The Zombie needed to be fed. If he were already President, that might have been managed; and managed quietly. However TMZ managed to get a “correspondent” inside the Nixon organization and obtained stills of Nixon feeding. People were outraged! -Until it was disclosed that the brains were donated by dedicated volunteers – completely voluntarily. While a part of America shuddered in revulsion, another- significant part- was very quietly happy that the Great Leader had such dedicated supporters.
A third part of America was titillated and spin off reality shows were quietly being pitched in back rooms of networks across the nation.
Oh there were gaffes; especially early on. Every political campaign has them; expects them; prepares for them:
At one press conference Nixon was asked what he thought our nation’s biggest concern was.
He said:
“Brains…no …jobs.” In the pause between “Brains” (where people couldn’t believe their ears) and when he recovered- ever the adept politician- he corrected by saying “Jobs”. The audience went wild.
It soon became a rallying cry: “Jobs…THEN Brains!”
The political pundits ate it up, as did the undecided. Soon he was closing on Big Silly Hair Man, who ran attack ads trying to send shockwaves of fear through the populace. Since the public had turned off their TVs in disgust three months earlier, and since neither conventional campaigns had figured out how to reach and influence the masses without TV, Nixon began gathering momentum.
– On a related note: The Daily Show wondered if Congress would offer up a few leaders because they obviously weren’t using their brains anyway…
Meanwhile, Badly Tailored Pantsuits Lady wasn’t slow to pick up the drift of political opinion. Soon she was running clips from Day Of The Living Dead, and dovetailing them into her core message: that Real Americans would never vote for a zombie for President.
Nixon retaliated, pointing out that while her taxes were published, there was so much that was “under the table” that that information was “as good as ice cream at an eskimo party.” (His words). (Really).
“And, as a zombie … He could promise the American people that he would never stoop to pick up wads of cash that were dropped by lobbyists, and so was by definition “more trustworthy.” Meanwhile, a “likeability” survey was conducted, and even as a zombie he was more “likeable”; more the sort of guy you’d like to have a beer with at the local tavern than either Big Orange Hair and Skin Man, and a lot more likeable than Harpy Pantsuit Lady.
Nixon’s campaign became an alternate “touchstone” for the people who wanted to vote for “None Of The Above”, and who couldn’t under our system, and therefore, felt disenfranchised…the people who were tired of the status quo.
So, Emasculating Pantsuit Lady began a campaign that attacked Nixon’s record…This tanked almost immediately, because while a paranoia inducing president when he was “alive’, his presence recently was measured and…clipped, he now was….reserved almost as if he were aware of the Political Process and didn’t wish to upend the applecart. Again.
Who knows what truly bustles in a zombie’s brainpan?
Plus the monosyllabic answers to questions often worked in his favor, offering less to spin out and work with for the pundits and commentators.
I had to marvel at the campaign as I decided what to write about the new/old president running for election again. I wanted to find the kernel of truth at the bottom of the well of crapola that every politician offers to us.
The Chinese remembered the “old” Nixon. They remembered that he was the one to go to them and acknowledge their accomplishments and their hard work.
So, the Chinese began pumping money (through “untraceable” accounts, of course) to help fund the underdog candidate. They made it known that while they held a great deal of American debt, Nixon was a president with whom they could work.
Also, I marveled at the dearth of references to Watergate, the gaffe that ultimately brought down the Nixon Kingdom…I mean presidency.
Big Loudmouth; Big Hair Man brought it up once, and Nixon waved a hoary hand, and quietly said “Feh”, as if it didn’t matter any longer and they moved on, and here is the big thing: No one questioned the Master Statesman; no one brought it up again!
The Nation has moved on. We don’t seem to care about an event Fifty Years ago and how it might affect a real presidential candidate now.
So I decided to write about the dynamic between these three disparate individuals; how they egg each other on trying to score points. They each try to find a way into “the head” of the other…Well, except for Nixon, who just doesn’t seem to try. He just keeps on scoring points in the debates.
And the debates were another thing altogether! Megalomanic Big Hair Man, and Unlikable Pantsuit Lady both tried to exclude him because he was a zombie, but Nixon quietly and patiently pointed out in that deep, lecturing tone that perfected so many years ago, that excluding him would be like excluding a disabled war Vet or a handicapped person.
I watched the mystification in Badly Tailored Pantsuit Lady’s eyes as this seemed to grab traction and her arguments were swept away. Silly Big Hair Man tried going bombastic and explain that it would be “incredibly bad” if Nixon were treated as a legitimate candidate. And again, no one seemed to care…
And, yet, the end came rather suddenly and was, for most, completely unexpectedly. No one, not even the handlers (with the cattle prods) expected it.
At a small press conference in Dubuque, after a rally, Nixon was asked a pretty standard question about foreign policy, and Nixon bit the reporter’s head off.
I mean, he really bit his head off. It was all over the News and Twitter, Youtube ran continuous replays 24/7 all weekend…showing the bloody details of a zombie feeding on …brains.
It was over almost as quickly as it had started. Nixon had reverted to his true zombie nature, and, for some reason, the nation; the World was horrified.
“Wasn’t it clear that he was a zombie right from the Nebraska primary?” I wondered.
Would he have made a better President than Silly Big Hair Man, or Badly
Tailored Pantsuit
Lady?
We’ll never know. They both
nodded smugly as if they had expected as much and moved forward slinging mud at
each other instead designing a three way mud fest.
“Sad really…” I thought as I submitted my last syndicated piece (800 words in & out nice and clean; nice and simple).
“This time he might have been a good president… At least by comparison with recent candidates…”
Meanwhile, I’m told that the “Zombie President” TV and movie projects had shifted into high gear…and can Zombie “Elvis” be far behind?
End
(Written for “fun” around three years ago. Oddly, it is still sort of relevant)
