Chicken Glasses -Number 79 in the List of Crap you Secretly Want But Are Ashamed To Ask For
Did you know that chickens are savages?They are!When I saw this picture I assumed -as one does -that there was some unusually studly stud-muffin rooster hanging around and the “glasses” are there to keep the hens from drooling as he struts around, fully aware of the stir his intense Manliness, I mean Roosterly-ness is creating; setting all the “girls” hearts a flutter. Seeing a bird drool is a rather off putting sight. “Birds” don’t have siliva – which as a side note, is why parrots can eat the hottest chilies. No saliva= no heat. If you were to do that- say, eat a ghost chili on a dare, you’ll need about 4 gallons of ice cream (vanilla works well) and you’ll still need various body parts replaced because of the fact that Ghost Chilis burn through tissue like the Alien(from the movie “Alien”)’s saliva burned through metal, only much faster. And didn’t your mother warn you about accepting a dare from a “friend”? Of course she did, but did you listen? Nope, which is why your eyes are the size of dinner plates at Red Lobster and almost as red as said lobster. Never eat chilis from India. Those folks are crazy!Back to chickens being savages. Apparently when they are actively establishing the “pecking order” which is a real thing, I assure you, they sort of attack one another for no other reason other than to establish which one gets the TV remote later when “Matlock” reruns are on. Chickens love Andy Griffith. The “pecking order” “adjusts” according to how many TikTok followers a given chicken has, so if one chicken has a particularly good run of days, and her followers are particularly engaged, then she may want to visit some retribution upon those who were mean to her “just yesterday”, and so on. The TikTok ratings come in daily just after the rooster does his thing, so there is strife in the barnyard often. It’s often “before” “coffee” which is another reason these glasses were invented. Nothing good happens before coffee.They (the chickens, not the “regular” fifteen year old TikTok “influencers”) sometimes, accidentally-but-sort-of-on-purpose kill the wimps and weenies of the flock. These glasses make that harder because the wimps and weenies are laughing so hard at the silly glasses that it’s simply not possible to see them well enough to attack. Oh the “girls” can hear the laughing, but they can’t see who it is (though they secretly know that “Dolores” is the leader of the ones laughing-and, she’ll get hers “one day”).The glasses are often red because if they beat up the wimp and or weenie sufficiently, then she will begin to bleed. Once the chickens see blood they kind of lose it completely, and attack again and again sort like sharks, but with feathers and much stupider. Apparently even chickens like the taste of chicken!So while I thought that these glasses were some sort of barnyard fashion statement (Like when Gertrude got her wattles pierced!), there is a real reason: Chicken humor. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard a few dozen chickens laughing. It’s better than going to a Jim Gaffigan concert. No that’s not true. What is true here is that chickens don’t understand Jim Gaffigan’s humor – especially when he does the “housewife” who is simply aghast at something…like someone putting red glasses on chickens who have TikTok followers.
