Squirrels

Squirrels…
by Zaslow Crane

“Oh look, Honey, isn’t he cute?”
I looked up from trying to program the new telephone.
“Hon, please tell me- why does our telephone need to know the year? Do you suppose these smart appliances will sell us down the river if they got the opportunity…?”
“You said that same thing when you programmed the new microwave.”
“Yeah, well… really? Does the microwave need to know all that stuff?”
“Forget that and c’mere.”
I looked out the kitchen garden window.
“Yeah?” I asked, not really anxious to get back to the phones anyway. “What am I supposed to be seeing?”
You pointed. My arm curled around your back and held you to me.
“That cute little brown guy out there.”
“All I see is a squirrel.”
“Exactly. Isn’t he cute?”
“I guess… So you’ve been leaving food out for them for weeks and all we see is one measly rodent- albeit with a very bushy tail?”
“C’mon…we moved out of the city so we could see stuff like this, Clark.”
You moved to hug me.
It was nice. I hugged back.
We watched the little guy investigate the wood chips and gravel in the backyard; his nose down to the ground inhaling and searching for something to eat.
“Maybe the little feeder is empty. He looks hungry.”
“No, he doesn’t- How would you know if he was hungry? Would he wave a little Domino’s sign, like that kid on the corner at lunchtime?”
“You can be such a jerk sometimes, Clark.”
You let go of me and repositioned your hands on your hips without saying a word.
“Mare…”
“Why don’t you take some more dried corn out and put them on the spikes for him?”
I must have made the I-don’t-wanna face.
“Please?”
“Okay.”
I went into the mud room and lifted up the lip on an enormous Tupperware container. In it, is everything that might be edible or interesting to outdoor animals. Tupperware seems to work pretty well keeping them out.
I extracted a couple ears of dried corn and crept out the back door, careful not to spook the little guy.
Then I thought:
Hell, I’m bringing food. I might frighten him for a moment but when he realizes that I’m no danger and I’m bringing a meal…It’ll all be fine.
I pulled a handful of corn from one of the two ears and lobbed it in his general direction.
My aim wasn’t so good. I actually showered the squirrel with hard little yellow kernels.
He leapt straight up into the air and scurried off changing direction every few steps, to throw off the perceived attacker.
I didn’t intend it, but I thought it was sort of funny.
I laughed out loud.
The little squirrel looked back at me over his shoulder.
Wondering at the noise, I guess.
I saw you giggling through the kitchen window.

A bit later I saw a squirrel eating the kernels I’d tossed out. Maybe it was him. Maybe he’d accepted the peace offering.
A bit later still, I noticed a squirrel sitting on the feeder and munching on the corn impaled on it, out back.
Hungry little guy.

We had seen the first squirrel in the morning; Saturday.
We saw the second one right after noon.

I was in the garage, setting up the sprinkler system; which also needed to know what day it was. Then, you texted me.
“Yeah I’m all of a hundred feet away, by all means, text me. Don’t come and speak with me.”
I walked around and into the front door. It was closed.
“C’mere!” You whispered.
I hesitated right there in the doorway.
You whispered again: “C’MERE!”
I hastened to your side.
“Look!”
There were two squirrels, rough-housing and eating slowly.
“Hmmm. Gnarly.”
“Sarcasm? Really?”
I gestured at them.
They’re squirrels…rodents. Same family as rats. Okay, granted much cuter but still…first cousins to rats. We saw lots of them in the City, remember?
“Clark. You said you wanted to be closer to wildlife; well here it is.”
You looked at me a bit disappointed. It had been an adjustment for us; for me moving from the big, bad city to the boonies.
“Besides…”
You continued. “It’s good luck if a squirrel crosses your path.”
“Is that with or without it being chased by a dog?” I smiled, trying to dull the dig at your family’s outdated ethnic ideas.
“You are such an ass sometimes…”
You already knew how I felt about your Grandma’s superstitions… Crows, goats, black cats…and now …squirrels…
“O-kay…”
“OHHHH look! A third one.”
You seemed delighted, but damned if I didn’t catch those beady little eyes looking right into mine; right through the kitchen glass.
Like a dummy, I just shook my head:
He’s only a squirrel…
But there was something about him…As if he was the one I’d thrown the food to…The one I’d startled. And now he was holding a grudge.
Ridiculous! I wanted to laugh.
I couldn’t.
And yet…
We watched for a while, entranced. Well you were entranced. You had an entire honey-do list for me to work through before your regular workday started Monday. Part of me itched to get back to unpacking and making the place more homey, though a part; a small part was bothered by the look in the critter’s eye. A part of me recalled that squirrels preferred certain foods but technically were…omnivorous. That is: They’ll eat almost anything.

I eventually got back to work, but toward the end of the day, when the light got quite slanted and orange, we saw a couple more.
“It’s an entire family!” You seemed thrilled.
“I guess the word has gotten out about the food. They’ve heard you’re a good cook!”
I figured that knew that you knew that I was just joking, but I wondered.

In the middle of the night, we heard small feet racing across the roof all night long. Truth be told, I don’t know if you heard it, but I’m a light sleeper having lived in the Big City for so long. I’m always half expecting a break in. But this was different. I couldn’t place it exactly, but all the noises felt…somehow…Calculated.

“Mare, come look at this.”
I’d been up fiddling with the toaster, trying to not tell it what day it was while making coffee and not connecting the coffee machine to the internet. As the light filled in and the sun rose, I’d looked out the back window.
There were at least thirty squirrels out in the backyard. Most of them were sitting looking at me…through the window.
You hugged me good morning and looking where I was pointing, said:
“Ummm look at all of them. I guess I’ll have to think about getting more dried corn at Farm Warehouse when I get out that way this week.”
That wasn’t my feeling on the backyard scene-
“Uhhh. Yeah. Notice anything odd about them?”
“They look hungry?” you offered, obviously not grasping what I was noticing.
“No. Hon. They look …organized.”
You looked at me and grinned, as if I was trying to yank your chain.
“Oh, they’re squirrels. It isn’t in their nature to organize.”

We’re one of the few who still subscribe to the Sunday paper, and I’ll confess to being a fan of the funnies. After I’d finished a cup of coffee, without thinking about it, I wandered out the front door to pick up my newspaper. I’d opened the door and walked halfway to the curb where the paper usually was. I actually bent down and picked up the paper before noticing an odd…feel around me.
I looked around and counted at least fifteen squirrels nearby. As I moved to get back indoors, I thought I saw them try to flank me, so I moved a bit faster and slipped into the front door with them seemingly hot on my heels.
But they are so much faster than me. They could have headed me off easily if they’d wanted.
Then it dawned on me.
There weren’t enough of them yet. Not enough of them to bring me down!
The thought chilled me to the bone. As silly as it was as I told myself over and over, a part of me …believed.
My heart pounded in my chest as the paper fell from my hands inside the house. It spilled out on the tiled floor.
“Mare…”
My mouth didn’t want to work.
You bent to pick up the sports section, then the local, the front page and the cornucopia of advertisements.
“You ok?”
I nodded, looking for my coffee.
“Yeah…Just saw …felt something weird…”

I decided to hold off telling you anything about the animals in the front yard for the short term. I wanted to put the ideas and feelings and facts into some sort of order before speaking.
“How about a quick breakkie, and I’ll go outside to do some weeding. Garbage day is day-after-tomorrow. How about a simple quickie frittata?”
“Sure.”
I kept my eye on the windows. It seemed that there was always a bit of movement just beyond my capabilities to catch it.
“Sure. I’ll toast a bagel. You want the top or the bottom?”

By eleven, there was no denying that something weird was going on. There were at least forty squirrels in the backyard watching us. As time went on, it seemed as though another few more joined the group, but since they moved all around every few minutes, it was tough for me to count them.

By two, there were perhaps a hundred out there, and now, we were seriously freaked.
“Clark, call animal control!”. I could hear you trying to keep emotion out of your voice.
“They won’t be into their offices for about eighteen hours.”
“Shit. Really?”
“Yeah, Sweetie.”
“How about your gun?”
“Ummmm, that is a weapon intended to deter intruders…”
“Well what do you call a hundred squirrels?”
I shook my head.
I’m not that cool under fire, usually but this was just weird enough to set me back…Not worrying about feelings or connections…just…weirdly…about survival.
“The weapon I have might kill a few of them. But I’d run out of ammo or be overrun before I made a dent in their numbers…”
This assessment seemed to make you markedly less comfortable. You grasped the logic and it was upsetting. Your breathing sped up, and I noticed that you started to seriously get anxious.
I’m guessing my pulserate matched yours.
“Then, what?”
“Fucked if I know. For now we’ll keep the doors closed and hope that they aren’t that good at chewing through our walls.”
I looked out a window and there seemed to be even more critters out there moving, interacting… threatening.

By two in the afternoon, the backyard was alive with cute little furry tailed rodents. Most were sitting alert and responsive waiting for something to happen; waiting for something from the house; something that they could affect after the people were vulnerable and available, though a few were interacting as I might expect squirrels to act… That is as I was used to them acting; playing and so forth. God knows what is going on now…

As the day wore on, more critters showed up. It was much like a rock concert- as in, more and more people showed up after the headliner had begun. I would swear that there were at least a couple hundred squirrels in my back yard! They sat around mostly looking into the back kitchen window, but occasionally interacting or playing with each other.
They are squirrels afterall…But, in time, they always got serious again and resumed looking into our windows.

By six o’clock Sunday, we had decided that, for some reason, their animus was definitely against us… Don’t ask me how I knew, but I just had a strong feeling…
Anyway, we figured that a pizza delivery was probably okay. They had nothing against the pizza guy.
I picked up the kitchen phone and dialed Dominoes.
What
A
Bad
Idea
They allowed delivery guy to almost get to the front door and then he was attacked; swarmed! His thighs were flooded with squirrels! He ran off, frantically brushing his legs as he made for his 1980’s Camaro. He laid a huge patch as he retreated, the squeal of his tires a reproach to us for calling him. From out of the driver’s side window lofted above the roof, came …a finger pointing to the sky -to out our house.
Yet nothing else happened; no one came to help.
He apparently told no one; another pizza driver war story over beers after work, but no call to animal control, nor the cops….
Damn.
I imagined him trying to escape with a few squirrels crawling over him and trying to bite him as he drove away in his car.
People walking their dogs seemed unaware of the problem; indeed they passed by without incident, again and again.
I was tempted to open the door and call out, but I already knew what those critters were capable of…

I noticed that the corn cobs were picked clean. They stood there naked and starkly erect while all the sustenance was chewed from them.
Well, of course if there’s a squirrel convention in my backyard…

“Hon, call animal control now. Call the police. Someone will be around. Even if they don’t respond until tomorrow, at least they’ll come and someone will know how to deal with this…”
“Yeah. Okay.
I picked up kitchen phone.
Now, it was dead.
Shit!
“Ummm Babe, the land line has been cut…”
We both looked out the window and saw …
Squirrels
Every freakin’ where.
“No prob. Use your cell.”
I looked all over.
I think I left it in my car. I was charging it while I drove home.
…And, the car is…?
I looked out the window.
My car had at least thirty squirrels sitting on or around it.
Dammit!
“Mare…There’s yours. You call the cops.”
“Yeah.” You muttered fatalistically. “It’s having the glass replaced at the shop in town…
It dawned on me at that moment that we were in serious trouble.

The sun was dipping in the sky and I confessed to you- confessed to my worrying about what’s happening with the damn squirrels…

I looked into the back yard and saw, perhaps three hundred squirrels. Waiting.

“Hon we’re trapped in here.” Your voice sounded thin and desperate. I nodded. Then I got my keys out and used the clicker on my keychain to unlock the car’s doors.
“Okay…on three, we rush the car. You get into the passenger side…”
You held up your keys.
“I’ll drive.”
“Right.” I nodded, eyes wide.
“One…” Your hand rested on the doorknob.
“Two…”
We exchanged frightened glances.
I nodded.
“Three!” You whispered and flung open the front door.
It seemed we caught them by surprise, but they recovered fast- so fast!
Within a few steps, you had two clinging to your pants legs.
I think you shouted. I was busy hitting them; trying to get them off of me. Their little claws dug into my flesh through the fabric.
Then I saw that there were two climbing up your legs. Of course, you already knew about it! You punched one and he dropped off and dropped away.
I noticed that dozens were now blocking our way.
“Turn back!” You yelled.
You punched the other on your legs and he let go as well. I threw you back inside the door and ripped your pants off because you another had leapt onto your legs and you couldn’t get it of them to let go. I tossed the pants at them and it seemed to distract them, and then, dashed back inside.
Your thighs were bloody and a deep scratch ran down your right calf.
Otherwise we were both okay- for now.
“Shit!”
“What?” You demanded still breathless. “What do they want?!”
I ran to close the fireplace flue.
I didn’t see any rodents coming down the chimney, but it was only a matter of time.
Your eyes were huge.
I hugged you and we stood there panting and afraid.
The evening’s light continued to dip…
I contemplated another evening with them trying to figure out the roofing material…

“Clark…”
“Easy…We’ll be okay.”
You said it as though you believed it; hoping that you had convinced me.

***

Yesterday, Mare said that that she thought that one guy; one little squirrel looked hungry. I poopoo’ed the idea then, but now I think I’ve changed my mind. I look out into the yard and I look into their eyes…and they all look hungry; very hungry.

-END-