NZFL
by Zaslow Crane
cue: Theme music for Sunday Night Football. Martial, yet fun; uplifting yet, exciting, and anticipatory.
Three…
Two…
One…
(Medium one shot gradually pulling out to a two shot)
“And good evening, and welcome to Sunday night football. I’m Al Philips, with my partner Chris Hollingston, and we’re here to welcome you to Sunday Night Football in America!”
(cue : Opening Graphics, and stats as they float across the screen- Cartoonish gruesome images of football players crashing into each other and …dropping…”parts”)
(Fade: back to Al Philips in a one shot.)
“Well, tonight is the matchup we’ve been waiting for all year. Here we are in week eleven of the season, and the two NZFL powerhouses will meet here tonight: The Los Angeles Maulers and the New Orleans Walking Dead. Two storied rivals; two teams that don’t like each other and haven’t liked each other since the ugly “meat scandal” some years back- and they’ve have had a long standing grudge ever since- the most rabid rivalry since the change over- and in this league, that’s saying something! Two teams as different as night and day, in the way that they pass, shamble and move the ball… The Maulers are a ground team- As likely to bite off a limb as kick an opposing player in the groin…Whereas the Walking Dead have become an airborne powerhouse: throwing the ball (as well as the occasional hand) for the long distance score… And their deep threat tonight, A. J. Prouty, is ready and itching (literally) to show the folks from Los Angeles some Deep South New Orleans Manners, football style.
“Chris, as an ex player, before the changeover…what’s your take on this game?”
(Throw the one shot over to the two shot, gradually closing on Chris and giving him the spotlight. Note that Chris is holding a helmet in his hand, seeming a bit nervous)
“Well, Al, the entire country has been anticipating this matchup, but there are a few wrinkles that will change the game day line up. Because of that I’m certain that this game will be as unpredictable as any so far this year.”
(Cut to two shot, including Al, then back)
“Really, Chris? How so?”
Chris smiles knowingly.
A graphic seemingly inspired by a GWAR video fills half the screen:
“The NOWD offensive squad is down two key players, Al. The first, Lost Bobby the league leading shambler in the league- good for an average of over six yards per carry…Has lost his head in a scrimmage this afternoon. The league rules clearly state that every player must have a head… Now here’s the key question for the NOWD squad: If they can’t find Bobby’s head, will they designate a substitute head at game-time and will that head be able to guide Bobby’s body and shamble as well as Bobby did with his old head? Since he is one of the keys to their offense, this is a huuuuge question… And on Defense, Alexander Delacroix the safety has lost his leg…Well, from the knee down anyway. A pit bull said to have been released by the Manglers offensive squad was seen running off with it.”
“Really? We have this sort of dirty deeds? Even now!?”
“Yeah, I know Al, allegations of this sort of thing have dogged Marty Longerin for years, ever since the storied vulture incident, back when he was assistant head coach at the New England Witch Hunters a decade ago…But I want to stress, that despite allegations and suspicions those rumors are just that: rumors.”
“At any rate, there is security footage of a big white pit-bull running off with Delacroix’s lower leg. If they don’t retrieve it by game-time, the league rules state that he can hop, or sit this game out, until they find a suitable replacement leg for him.”
“And for the L.A. Maulers?” Al probed for the viewers at home-
-cut back to Chris holding a report as a prop.
“Well for L.A. the news isn’t good.
“Taylor Riggins has been sanctioned officially by the league.
It seems his chop block on Turlock Ducken in last week’s evening game, actually chopped his legs off.
Limbs coming off seems to be a big problem at this time of the season…all the players are getting less fresh and and …older, and, well let’s face it, more fragile.
So the league has agreed to look at the rules this off-season to decide on future use of the chop block. As always, even though it’s (Here Chris makes air quotes) “only” zombies playing in the league, we want them to at least last the season…
ahem…
also-
It’s …rumored that two of their key offensive receivers were involved in a brains- for- money scandal, mere hours before game time. We won’t know who has been cleared to play and who might be ground into hamburger or burned at the stake during halftime -until they suit up. The commissioner has been called in to mete out justice and oversee the disposition of this case and the fates of these two players.
Cut to a close up of Chris, in “Editorial” mode.
“Now I wish to stress that all of the L.A. team has been under a great deal of stress since their league sanctioned brain shipment went missing around -”
(here, he makes a big show of consulting his wrist watch)
“-36 hours ago… Rumors abound as to why that shipment went missing right at that key time and who might be responsible. All fingers would seem to point to New Orleans.”
He paused for emphasis.
“IF there was any evidence at all, the commish would step in, but as of game time, everything is still conjecture.”
Cut to a two shot
Al, smiling as always, the ameliorating voice of reason:
“-But as of a half hour ago there is no evidence at all, is there Chris?…Nothing implicating New Orleans – or any other NZFL team. Innocent until proven guilty, right?”
“Let’s go down onto the field where we can get the thoughts of veteran defensive end, Eric Lozaga… You all remember him from the Super Zombie Bowl last January. He was the MVZP…Eric? Any thoughts you’d like to add regarding tonight’s contest?”
The camera wavers a bit closing in on the blacked, and worn face of a veteran on the NZFL.
“Eric? Any thoughts?”
“Brains…BRAINS….BRAINS!!!” His guttural growls cause the cameraman’s hands to shake.
(Cut to a split shot of Al and Eric)
Al, smiling and professional, tries to tie it all up with a bow for the Sunday Night Audience.
“And there you have it. Brains…Of course. It’s all about planning…skill…and…”
“BRAINS!!… Eric draws on the teleprompter of a play in progress…
“What’s he drawing with?” Chris shouts. “Uhhh… Is that blood?!”
There’s a scuffle as Eric attempts to eat the camera man’s leg and he’s tasered.
“Brains…” Eric collapses just off camera.
The stage hands gingerly gather him up.
Al shoots a quick dirty look at his producer off camera. It’s gone in an instant; back is the consummate pro.
“So, Chris are you ready for tonight’s game?”
Cut to two shot, both hosts smiling at the camera.
“Right Al! So, they’re about to croak the national anthem, lets all put our helmets on…”
(cut to a wider two shot as they do actually put their helmets on)
“-Because it’s harder for them to get at your brains through a properly worn regulation helmet…”
Al adroitly takes the handoff and finishes the set up-
“…and we invite you to settle back and enjoy tonight’s matchup: The …Maulers, and…The Walking Dead…Tonight… On Sunday Night Football!”
Cue intro theme, cut to graphics, pre cue the Budweiser commercial.
(Write to me if you’d like to haer the audio version of this piece)