Denizens of Suburbia
(or… Strangers in the night)
by Zaslow Crane
“You would NOT believe what happened to me last night, man…” The raccoon fidgeted nervously.
“What? It’s only been a couple days since I saw you last. What happened?”
“You know the grey box that people live in…? The one with the big tree and the cozy space under the house?”
“Oh yeah. That’s a great one…A keeper.”
“Yeah. That’s what I thought until last night.”
“What happened?”
“I was just walking about looking for snails and what not and, the human comes out of the box!”
“Yeah? Then what?”
“Well, fuck, I remember thinking…He’s never out this late. I go thru here all the time when it’s late and dark, and suddenly there he was, carrying stuff.”
“The human?”
“Yep. Fucking big as day, too! He looked at me. I looked at him. I knew immediately it was going to be… awkward.”
“Was he carrying food?”
“No! Let me tell the story, okay?”
“Okay…sorry.”
“Then his eyes bugged out, like he was totally surprised or something, and without anything else happening, he threw what he was carrying at me!”
“So you’re sure it wasn’t food?”
“No asshole, it was garbage!”
“So it was food!!”
“No! It was some plasticky thing. He had two of ‘em. He threw them both!”
“Did it hurt?”
“Naw. He was too shook to throw it straight. They just bounced around the yard and I took off.”
“So…that was it?”
“Wasn’t that enough? There have to be explosions and car chases for it to be a good story!? I ran smack face to face into a human!”
“My uncle got shot at once. My aunt almost got run over… You got two plasticky things thrown at you…I’m just sayin’, it’s not much of a story, man…”
He fidgeted a bit and rubbed at the fur around his eye, because it itched.
“I don’t know… the entire incident makes me want to rethink my life…y’know?”
“Yeah…”
“Like, like maybe I’m doing this all wrong…”
“Yeah…”
“Like maybe I’ll move back to the forest…eat grubs, and berries and mushrooms…”
“Yeah…What? Wait, you don’t want to do that, man!”
“Why not? He hurt my feelings…I have a right to be there at night when he’s not using the yard!”
“But there are good shelter spots all over here, garbage cans to rummage through, the occasional cat we can mug! Damn, that’s fun! Geeez I think going back to the forest is pretty extreme, man…”
“Gotcha! You dope! I was joking! Why would I leave all this? I was just jerking your chain.”
“Oh thank god. I was worried! We’d miss you around here, man…”
“Yeah, yeah. Lets go find his doorway and shit in front of it.”
“Great idea! Then let’s go look for a cat to jump!”
